


Dead Reckoning

by aggressive_pepsi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Big Brother Gabriel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Multi, me hurting castiel again, pre story major character death, reference to previous work, warning for gross food and all that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 07:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8392195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aggressive_pepsi/pseuds/aggressive_pepsi
Summary: Title and Chapter Names are inspired by the words found at http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/. I've been working on this idea for months now, and it is partially based on an RP I did with my close friend Willow. It also is planned to have a follow up series, which is a lot less suffering and a lot more Goodness, so look for that eventually.Fun fact: The original title was meant to be "Like Guitar Strings Snapping" because I was inspired to write it because of the Watsky song.--dead reckoningn. to find yourself bothered by someone’s death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of the landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by—still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much more adrift.





	

Kenopsia  
n. the eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that's usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

How long had it been now, Castiel wondered, looking down at his hands. Still dirty from digging, except the palms, worn raw from the first month of sitting still and running them together, a nervous habit now turned against him. It was a rare moment of clarity, turning with a stiff neck to look at a clock, as if that would help him determine the date. It had stopped ticking months ago, unwound. After a moment of fruitless staring, he turned, noticing that his cell phone was plugged into the outlet still. He moved to turn it over in his hand, and watched dust fall from his arms and shoulders. The dimly glowing screen stung his eyes after so long sitting in the dark, time the angel couldn’t actually account for.  
The screen was full of notifications, most of them from months ago. The most recent one was a text message from his brother Gabriel.

[Gabriel: Bro I’m really starting to worry about you… We haven’t heard from you in a long time, even Dad’s starting to get a little antsy… shoot me a text when you get this, please.]

So it had been one year, seven months and three days since he dug their graves. One year, seven months and twelve days since they died. He knew he needed to stop counting time like this. Still, it was the only context that he needed right now in his life, if he could even call it that. He read over the old texts from his brother, scrolling quickly to the start. He wanted to bring himself forward in time, hopefully to hang onto this fuzzy, hazy consciousness long enough to start looking again. He knew he would find nothing. He still had to look.

[Gabriel: Dean finally gave me your number little bro! He’s got such a sour face, doesn’t he?]

[Castiel: You are aware you could have asked for my number directly, right?]

[Gabriel: Yeah, but it was more fun to weasel it out of your bf]

[Castiel: I’m not going to justify that with a response.]

[Gabriel: Yeah. Alright whatever you say lil bro. Off topic, but damn do I love being back! Dad said he put all that time and effort into making me just as ~*~wonderful~*~ as I was before, yknow. I’m wonderful, can you believe that! Of course you can. ;) ]

[Castiel: Yes, I am glad you’re back as well. I missed you.]

Castiel paused for a moment, distracted by a sound behind him. He turned to look, but nothing was there. It took a little bit of time before he realized it was the quiet chatter of angel radio. All this time, he had tuned it out, not wanting to hear his siblings having gone on with their lives. He glanced back at his phone and shifted so he was more comfortable on the couch where he sat, keeping it plugged in. For all he knew, he would black out again before finishing his read through, and he didn’t want to stay in an uncomfortable position for however long it would be. Going back to reading and tuning out the chatter of his siblings, the soft static subsided.

[Gabriel: Missed you too Cas. Missed everything! Like, literally, I missed so much in more of a ‘I wasn’t there for it” kind of sense. Aunt Amara’s like? Here again, and so??? Is Lucifer???? This is SO weird dude.]

[Castiel: I can’t imagine how it is up there. I imagine its like the “good old days”?]

[Gabriel: Almost, and tbh? I think it’s a little better. Things are a lot less tense, all kinds of things. I haven’t heard Mikey sing in so long, but you should see the classic Dynamic Duo at it again.]

[Castiel: I can only imagine. Perhaps after I finish helping the Winchesters with this case I’ll visit. I’d love to see my family again.]

\--

What felt like only a few seconds later, Castiel felt stiff again, realizing that the phone in his hands had gone dark. He blinked slowly, shifting a little where he sat, registering the dull throb in his back that meant he must have had a cramp a short while ago that just didn’t register. The pain didn’t much bother him, and he stretched, back crackling like a glow stick. Tapping the phone’s home button, the lock screen glowed, and again he winced. He had been out for another month or so now, and the notifications were clear. He swiped once and put in his password: 1-9-8-7. 

The screen came up exactly to where he had left of, and the angel scrolled through the texts one by one. Small talk from his brother mostly, friendly conversation and a pleasant goodbye each night. It vaguely registered in his mind that he and Gabriel had become close since his revival, and though he didn’t feel it to the extent he normally would, he felt a small twitch of guilt that he hadn’t texted him back yet. Still, he wanted to finish reading before replying, and most of the messages after things began to get blurry he hadn’t read. Or, if he had read them, he certainly didn’t remember them. Still skimming, the words on the screen came as jarringly, unexpectedly, just as the event that had triggered the message in the first place had.

[Castiel: They’re dead.]

[Gabriel: what?]

[Castiel: They’re dead.]

[Gabriel: What are you talking about Cas???]

[Castiel: Call me.]

The rest of the back and forth correspondence blurred together again in Castiel’s head, and he had to re-read the thread several times before it stuck. It outlined a rather empty timeline of his trips back and forth to Heaven looking for his Family- for Sam and Dean. Each time, the same result. Nothing. Then Cas’s texts stopped, and it looked as if Gabriel was speaking to himself, the time between each message gradually increasing before ending completely.

[Gabriel: Cas, I don’t know what to say to you, I don’t know how you’re feeling. But you’re my brother and its killing me to see you like this. Come on home, we’ll help you through this.]

[Gabriel: I’ve been where you are, Cas, and trust me coming home would do you some good. We can all help you through what you’re going through, we can do this. You can do this.]

[Gabriel: Hey bro, I miss you, it’s been a while since I heard from you. Luci said he’d let you hold his new pet, you should see it, it’s like this bigass snake with wings.]

[Gabriel: I’m scared Cas. It’s been like a month and no word. I can’t even pick you up on angel radio anymore, I don’t know what’s up. Dad’s been busy again with some new project so He’s no help… Just let me know if you need anything, okay? Let me know you’re okay?]

[Gabriel: I don’t wanna lose you little bro. You’re the only one who gets it, cmon let me know you’re okay. We don’t have to talk or anything, you don’t even have to type anything substantial! Just, anything to let me know you’re alive.]

[Gabriel: Luci’s started up this new angel dance tradition, kinda revived from the old style…. I think you’d like it, Cassie. You should hit me up, we could arrange a time to get you worked in.]

[Gabriel: I miss you. We’re all still looking for them. We haven’t given up. I hope you haven’t either. Text me when you can, okay?]

[Gabriel: I miss you. Please text me.]

[Gabriel: Mikey flew into a tree today because he was busy watching Lucifer dance. I wish you would have been here to see it, it was really funny, I think you would have laughed too. I can’t wait to see you again little bro. Message me when you get the chance.]

[Gabriel: I miss you.]

[Gabriel: Please text me Cassie.]

[Gabriel: Bro I’m really starting to worry about you… We haven’t heard from you in a long time, even Dad’s starting to get a little antsy… shoot me a text when you get this, please.]

Castiel’s fingers hovered over the reply button for a short while until the screen dimmed slightly. Tapping it once so it wouldn’t shut off, he mistakenly pressed the button he had been avoiding anxiously. There was not much other choice now. His message was brief and as formal as he could keep it, hopefully to make him sound like he was actually alright. He knew his brother would see right through it, but it was all he could really manage right now.

[Castiel: I’m alive. My apologies.]

The reply was almost instantaneous, so quick in fact that Cas had to check to make sure it wasn’t just an unsent text finally coming through due to a glitch in the programming. It couldn’t be though, as the texts just kept coming.

[Gabriel: Little bro!!!]

[Gabriel: It’s so good to hear from you!!]

[Gabriel: Have you been taking care of yourself? What are you up to? Where are you staying? You should come home for a little while, we should hang out!]

The rapid responses were almost overwhelming, and Castiel blinked hard as he tried to process the new information. It didn’t help that now his angel radio was buzzing loudly, as if his brother was trying again to get into contact with him through that channel. Unfortunately, his reception had been long since frazzled, and even in the best of states he could hardly hear whispers. Which was the whole point of the phone.

[Castiel: I don’t know…]

[Gabriel: I understand if you don’t want to leave- maybe I could visit you instead?]

[Castiel: I am not in the best of states…]

[Gabriel: I don’t mind if you don’t!! I miss you Cas, I really do. We all do.]

There was a moment of hesitation, and the amount of static in Castiel’s head doubled. He replied to silence it if anything else.

[Castiel: Yes, alright, you may visit.]

It wasn’t ten seconds later before Cas heard the clang of an opening door behind him, flooding a hallway a few rooms down with light. Hurrying inside and disregarding anything else, Gabriel ran towards where he sensed Castiel. His guest was disoriented by the darkness, confused to why his brother would be sitting in the dark.

“Cas,” the archangel called, blindly feeling forward until he bumped into the back of the couch where his brother sat, “where are you little bro?”

“I’m here,” Castiel replied, voice sounding scratchy and quiet. Aside from that, he was silent. It hurt to move much, he realized, so he stayed still as his brother scrambled over the back of the couch, plopping down next to his brother in the dark.

Reaching out instinctively, Gabriel accidentally bopped Cas just under the eye trying to pull him into a hug. His brother flinched away, laughing a strangled laugh as he heard Gabriel apologize. Cas just laughed harder, not entirely sure why, the dull pain in his cheek seeming to be the cause of it.

“Cas?” Gabriel asked, wondering why his brother was laughing when he had accidentally smacked him, but it wasn’t long that the laughter turned to crying, and crying into sobs. “Cassie…”

It just took a physical trigger, a touch of unexpected pain and minor shock to crumble the fragile walls that held back the floodgates. He fell into his brother’s arms and sobbed, gripping with weak hands into Gabriel’s shirt, as hard as he physically could. The broken angel was all bones as he leaned against his brother, who pulled him into his arms and rubbed his back. He could feel the bumps of his younger brother’s spine under his fingers, and he looked at him with deep concern, letting Castiel scream and sob.  
“I couldn’t protect them,” he gasped and cried, “It is all my fault, it’s my fault…” Gabriel tried to console him, to tell him brother that there was no way that he could have protected the Winchesters from what happened, but it fell on deaf ears. “You don’t understand Gabriel… It was my mistake, my fault….—“

“Cas!” Gabriel introjected, firmly grabbing Cas’s shoulders and pulling him back slightly so he could look at him. Tears ran thick down the angel’s face, bringing a few to his older brother’s eyes as well. “Listen, Cassie….” He mumbled, running a hand through his brother’s hair, getting caught up in the matted locks. He moved his hand back to Cas’s shoulder and sighed softly. “There’s nothing you could have done. And even if you could, there’s no way we can fix it now.” Gabriel made a face, feeling like he was talking down to Cas, not wanting to come off as yelling at his brother, the fragile state he was in. “Listen… I know you loved them, Cas. I know it’s gotta hurt, I’ve been there. But you gotta know, beating yourself up, sitting here all by yourself? It’s not what they would have wanted.”

“H-h-how could you know what they would have wanted?” Cas stammered, putting all the energy he had into snapping at his brother, but clearly his words were starting to sink in, bringing the younger sibling out of his fog of grief if only by a little bit.

Gabriel shifted in his seat slightly, settling into the couch a bit more before speaking. “If I know anything about the Winchesters,” he began, “it’s that they’re very much a ‘keep on trucking’ kind of family. Do you think they’d want you to be sitting in here all alone, doing nothing? When has Dean ever just sat still when there’s things to do? What about Sam, huh? I mean, think about it. Would you want the Winchesters to see you like this?”

Cas looked down and away from Gabriel and hung his head low, feeling almost ashamed. He was right. How could he have let himself get this way, this broken? “No,” he breathed, still shuddering from the effort of crying so hard.

“Cassie…” Gabriel pulled his brother into a gentle hug, ignoring the way Cas’s bones jabbed him slightly. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad… C’mon little bro, how about I make you something to eat and we get you some rest, huh? When was the last time you ate? “

“I don’t remember,” Castiel lied, not protesting as his brother took his hand and brought him to stand on shaking legs. It was a miracle they could support his weight at all, and Cas couldn’t feel them.

“Don’t worry too much about that,” Gabriel answered, supporting his brother as they walked slowly together towards the dining room area. Aside from the dust, the room was clean, which was perfect. A snap of the fingers and the dust cleared off the table and chairs, and Gabriel carefully lead Cas to sit down in one of them. “Alright little bro, you sit right here and I’ll go get us both something to eat.” 

Cas looked up and nodded numbly at his brother, then back down at the table. It was clear Gabriel would have to act fast to keep from losing his brother to his own mind again.  
Hurrying into the kitchen adjacent to the dining room, Gabriel immediately flinched upon entering. He didn’t know how he couldn’t pick up on it before, but something had gone bad in here. Quickly identifying the offending scent, he eased up next to the jug of what used to be milk that was apparently left out the last time someone used it. A snap, and the jug was gone, and Gabriel’s stomach thanked him for getting rid of it. 

The relief unfortunately for him didn’t last long; as soon as Gabriel opened the fridge to find something to cook for them, he was greeted with a horrific sight. All the food had long since gone bad, to the point where Gabriel, after trying to hold down his nausea, was fairly certain that it had begun developing a society of its own. He snapped his fingers and praised his Father unironically for the first time in centuries as the offending rot was quickly sent away, along with its horrible smell. Better safe than sorry, Gabriel did this with all the food in the kitchen, waiving a hand to replace the food with something else so the cupboards wouldn’t be depressingly bare. 

Taking a slow, deep breath, Gabriel steadied himself, realizing that his brother must not have eaten at all in an incredible amount of time. If he were fully human, he would have starved to death. And that certainly explained his appearance… long matted beard and hair, looking completely untouched in who knows how long, sunken eyes and nothing but bones… Cas was a lot worse off than Gabriel had expected, and that scared him. Not much in the mood now to take the time to cook, Gabriel snapped his fingers one last time and summoned a little comfort food for his brother.

Cas hadn’t moved from where he sat, still gazing down at the table. Even when his brother entered, he didn’t respond to the sound. Gabriel set the plates down in front of Cas and the seat beside him, settling into place. 

“Cas, c’mon, it’s time to eat…” Gabriel mumbled softly, taking a small forkful of the macaroni and cheese he had summoned and holding it up to his brother. Cas looked up slowly, eyes distant, but ate regardless. “Just like when you were a fledgling, right..?” Gabriel breathed, using his free hand to take a bite or two of his own food as he slowly fed his brother. “Mac ’n cheese isn’t quite the same as the food in heaven though, is it little bro?” Cas didn’t respond, and Gabriel forced a smile. “It’s gonna be alright little brother. I’m here.”

Gabriel knew Cas wouldn’t be able to eat much right now, but he took his time getting him to eat what he could, and drink a little water. Gabriel smiled at his brother softly and tried to get his attention. “Hey, Cassie, you tired?” Cas didn’t respond aside from a quiet hum and slightly drooping eyes. Gabriel nodded with a gentle smile and helped his brother to his feet, helping him to his room. The Archangel knew his brother was slipping away again, falling back into his own mind for now. He’d seen that look on his other siblings plenty of times before, mostly after the War, after the Fall. Gabriel tried to keep a brave face for his little brother’s sake. If Cas registered anything right now, Gabriel wanted it to be something good, and showing his concern on his face wouldn’t help right now. Cas’s legs shook as they walked, threatening to give way, but somehow they didn’t.

When they got to the hallway that held the entrance to Cas’s room, his steps got a little stronger, a little more determined. Gabriel’s heart jumped, hoping that meant his brother was starting to come back to himself. Every moment spent not looking inward was hope for Castiel, and Gabriel knew after all this time, Cas would need every bit of help he could get. It was Cas who, without a word, stopped walking and reached out to the doorknob of what was clearly Dean’s room. Gabriel nodded slowly, assuming that he’d taken to sharing a bedroom with Dean after all this time. He worried somewhat what seeing the room empty would do to Cas, but before he could protest the broken angel was already in the door, leaning on the frame for support as he left his brother behind.

“Cas-“ Gabriel started, but stopped as he watched his little brother move. He slid his trenchcoat off slowly, letting it fall to the floor with a thud- there must have been something in his pockets- and stagger towards the bed. Castiel slowed to a stop near the bed, in front of a pile of clothing left abandoned, having missed the Winchesters’ last laundry day. At first, Gabriel thought Cas was about to fall over as he leaned forward, that his body was finally giving out on him, but it was a worry that came too early. The younger brother had simply leaned down, and pulled a crumpled red shirt from the pile of clothes. Realizing he had been standing in the doorway while his brother walked on his own unsupported, Gabriel tried to hurry to his side without startling him.

Cas flinched when Gabriel hurried to his side, letting out a shaky breath and a broken whimper. His brother paused as he approached, giving Cas just enough time to give a quiet sob. The angel sat down slowly on the edge of the bed, holding the shirt close. He looked like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words. With all the strength he had, Castiel lifted his legs up onto the bed and rolled to his side, facing the wall. He had shaky arms, and he hardly was able to hold onto the blanket he pulled around himself. He didn’t respond to Gabriel, who sat on the edge of the bed next to him.

His brother began to speak, when he heard the younger angel’s muffled sobs. Gabriel couldn’t think of anything more to say. He didn’t think there was anything more to say. He recognized the scene before him; a brother clinging to an article of clothing left behind by one of the most important people in their lives, hoping to bring some feeling of them back. As if just wishing hard enough would make them appear inside the fabric and roll into their arms again.

Cas laid there, lost in his thoughts, lost in the wave of grief he finally couldn’t hold back. A type of acceptance and realization he had been denying for over a year now. The Winchesters were dead. They weren’t coming home. He wouldn’t find Deans socks lying around in the bathroom despite the angel’s constant reminders to pick them up with the rest of his clothes. He wouldn’t find the corners of book pages dog-eared and left abandoned on the kitchen table, or notice that his own bookshelf was suddenly a few pieces short as Sam collected them, an impulse to hoard the knowledge but unable to take it all in at once. Never again would he hear brothers bickering over the volume of the radio, or what to have for dinner. Castiel would never walk into the garage and find Dean meticulously washing the Impala on nights when he couldn’t sleep, or Sam running his fingers over the seams in the interior when the memories of his past trauma got too much for him. 

In fact, he would never even see the Impala again. During the final night it was temporarily abandoned, and by the time Castiel brought himself to find the car, it had been towed without a trace. So focused on trying to find the boys souls, he had never thought to locate the car, find that last major piece of their lives. He didn’t even have the car he would ride along in, the place they all three would sleep when motels were too far or too expensive. His home away from the bunker, a place he belonged more than he felt he belonged in Heaven. It was all gone.

Castiel buried his face in the cloth, his voice hoarse and his sobs shaking his whole fragile body. There were no more tears left to come, but he still cried. He could still smell Dean on the shirt, and it brought a flurry of feelings; comfort from the familiar scent, having something to hold onto when all else was lost, and steely bitterness knowing this was all that was left of the older Winchester. White hot pain in his chest knowing the scent would fade, and somewhere deep in the back of his mind, hope that somehow that this was all a dream, and when he finally slipped into unconsciousness he would awake and find the scent from the shirt was just his bedmate finding his way into this dark, twisted nightmare to comfort him.

Gabriel couldn’t know what Cas was thinking, but he didn’t need to. He knew his brother was hurting, more than any hurt he’d ever seen. The Archangel had seen war, lovers torn apart, family betrayed and brothers disowned. He’d walked the earth and seen heartache, seen the aftermath of murder and tragedy and pain, the manifestation of evil in even the most safe of places. But nothing ever compared to pain with loneliness. He made the decision not to let his brother be alone anymore. He’d let it go on for far too long.

He placed a gentle hand on his brother’s back, rubbing comfortingly as the younger sobbed. Eventually, slowly, the cries calmed and the shaking ceased. All except for Castiel’s hands. His older brother whispered soft comforts, hand on his back as the younger angel slowly calmed, starting to succumb to exhaustion. He made promises of companionship, a vow to stay by his side. Gabriel wouldn’t let his brother be alone any more.

It felt like hours, just the two of them together, the only sound in the room coming from Gabriel, hushed whispers of Enochian promises to be a better brother. Once in a while, the serine quiet was punctuated with another loud sob and a short shaking fit from Cas, finding himself lost in his thoughts and memories of what was no more. Gabriel did his best to comfort his brother. After a while, the sobs lessened even more, until all that was left was quiet, even breathing. The Archangel sat quietly beside his brother for a while longer, just to make sure he was sleeping before moving slowly to get up, careful not to wake him.

Watching for a few minutes, Gabriel stood over his brother sleeping. Castiel was so fragile and broken up inside, and he didn’t know what he could do to fix him. He didn’t know if he could be fixed. All he knew was that he needed to take it a day at a time, and standing here wouldn’t help. With a yawn, the older brother walked slowly away, though not far. Carefully setting the magazines left scattered on the nearest couch onto the endtable beside it, Gabriel took off his shoes and laid down. He knew he didn’t need sleep, but maybe it would help. If anything, it would help pass the time. With Cas as weak as he was, he did need the rest.

Gabriel sighed and turned his head again, looking at his sleeping sibling. His back was turned to him, and he still held onto the shirt he’d taken. He hoped that Cas was having a good dream. After all this, he deserved it. The angel turned his head to look up at the white stucco ceiling, and closed his eyes.

“Dad, how’d we let him get like this..?” Gabriel whispered, not sure if it was a prayer or just a question out loud. He sighed, and tried to relax the best he could, forcing his mind to slowly shut down for the night.

**Author's Note:**

> Title and Chapter Names are inspired by the words found at http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/. I've been working on this idea for months now, and it is partially based on an RP I did with my close friend Willow. It also is planned to have a follow up series, which is a lot less suffering and a lot more Goodness, so look for that eventually.  
> Fun fact: The original title was meant to be "Like Guitar Strings Snapping" because I was inspired to write it because of the Watsky song.  
> \--  
> dead reckoning  
> n. to find yourself bothered by someone’s death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of the landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by—still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much more adrift.


End file.
